


Nothing Else Matters

by cardinalwrites



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon Compliant, Dean POV, Destiel - Freeform, Lost and Found, M/M, VERY sad Dean, because let's face it that ep was crazy, from castielsentries, spn coda, very
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-13
Updated: 2017-10-13
Packaged: 2019-01-16 16:27:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12346380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cardinalwrites/pseuds/cardinalwrites
Summary: 13x01 Told from Dean's POVContains spoilers for Lost and Found





	Nothing Else Matters

**Shit doesn’t matter.**

**Shit screwed up our lives when our house burned and Mom died.**

**Shit screwed up our lives when Sam lost his soul and I got a one-way ticket to Hell.**

**Shit screwed up our lives when I got the Mark and Lucifer was riding around wearing Cas’s face.**

**But shit went out the window the minute his wings showed up on the ground.**

**…**

**They were there, clear as day. Dark giant, broken wings. There’s no coming back from that. There’s never been coming back from that.**

**He’s dead. Real deal this time.**

**I… I didn’t want to think about it, thought running back to help Sam with whatever the hell was now in that house would’ve ended it there, but now. It just knocked me out instead. Front row seat to the nightmares starting. It’s only worse now. Mom burned right in front, then Cas burned the minute I grabbed for him. Everything burned, the entire place was up in flames before I could do anything.**

**Waking up didn’t feel like help. By then Jack was gone, too, probably with a bullet hole that healed in 6 seconds. I didn’t care. I didn’t. I needed to focus on one thing, one thing that wasn’t what happened.**

**Sam said he couldn’t have gotten far. I still think the thing had wings or who the hell knows what else. We needed to find him and kill him. I know I could do that. I could control that.**

**It rained when we were out of it… His body was still wet. There was a cloth from the nursery that wasn’t charred or burned. He couldn’t just stay outside like that. Not him.**

**…**

**Sam had found this joint nearest where we were, but like hell Jack would just hype up like that for some curly fries. He could be Amara 2.0.**

**Sam went in. I called Jody. She knew something was off before I even got a word out. She thought it was Mom. She wasn’t wrong.**

**“Where’s Claire?”  
**

**“She’s in Montana last time she checked in. Is she in danger? Will this Jack guy find her?’  
**

**“N-No, I just… I need to tell her something. But later. No need to get her out of her zone.”  
**

**“Okay,” she didn’t press. “Call me when you get back to the bunker then. I’ll put a claim in for him if you don’t find him first.”  
**

**“Yeah, thanks, Jody.” I opened my eyes. I could see Sam inside with some chick and the cashier talking.**

**“And Dean?”  
**

**“Yeah?”  
**

**“Breathe. Let yourself breathe. Remember when you tried to help me with Asa. This is me trying to help you.”  
**

**“…Yeah-Y-yeah, okay, thanks, Jody.”  
**

**I needed out. I needed to breathe. I needed Chuck to hear me.**

**“Okay Chuck, or God or whatever. I… I need your help.” I start. I’m not the praying type. Not really, but now I needed this. I _needed_ this to work and I needed to get this out.**

**I needed to breathe _something_.**

**“See, you left us. You _left_ us. You went off. You said… you said the Earth would be fine because it had me and it had Sam but it’s not. And _we’re_ not. We’ve lost everything. And now you’re gonna bring him back.**

**“You’re gonna bring back Cas, you’re gonna bring back Mom. You’re gonna bring back all of them. Even Crowley. Because after everything that we have done, you _owe_ us, you son of a bitch! You make this right and fix this. Right now.”  
**

**I screamed to nothing. I saw nothing. We lost everything.**

**Nothing matters. Nothing.**

**Pain was the only thing that I could feel, that I could control.**

**“Please… Please help us.”  
**

**Chuck ain’t coming back. He’s leaving us for good. Mom is gone. Cas is dead. And nothing else matters.**

**It didn’t matter when the drunk chick ranted about Becky. It didn’t matter when we nearly got kabobbed by Jack or by the sheriff trying to do her job. It didn’t matter when the drunk girl called me the Becky, ‘cause even with that part she might as well have hit the nail on the head. I was a guy doing my job, and I failed at it.**

**Then she had to go and say Jack could do anything, that he could do everything. I let myself believe it. Why? When had anything ever gone right for us to make that somehow be an easy option? All I got for that was a split second of doubt and a punch to the face. But then when Jack pulled the angel blade out of him like it was nothing, well… It meant killing the Son of Satan was gonna be a lot harder. And it was that part that made it all feel normal, like God just really hated Sam and me more than anything. Enough to take away everything we cared about. And everyone.**

**So no, nothing matters.**

**But what did was giving Cas what he deserved.**

**We burned his body. I burned his body.**

**He’s still there, just under the sheet where we left him. In some room in some house in Washington where he died. It may have rained before, but his wings are still there, burned into the soil so deep even if you try to move them it’s still dark.**

**I put him on top of where his wings still were. We made the pyre piece by piece. Took the whole day, more because I had to keep stopping. This was losing family. This was losing so much more. This was everything.**

**I could hear Sam trying to tell Jack about death and what to say, about how you hope there’s somewhere better in the end.**

**… What’s the end for Cas? What on his side?**

**Nothing.**

**Kelly. Crowley. Mom. Cas. They’re all just… gone.**

**Shit doesn’t matter. Nothing else matters.**

**And that’s the worst part.**

**Author's Note:**

> This is from an entry blog I write for on tumblr called [castielsentries](http://www.castielsentries.tumblr.com) (which, up until 12x23 hellatus, had been all Cas's POV) so feel free to check some out there!
> 
> My normal writing blog is [here](http://www.cardinalwrites.tumblr.com) :)


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